


To the Tune of "He's a Pirate"

by Shwrubbery



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 18th Century, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Pirate, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Childhood Friends, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Families of Choice, Family Dynamics, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Freeform, Gen, Golden Age of Piracy, How Do I Tag, Inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Light Angst, Minor Violence, No Romance, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Orphan Toby Smith | Tubbo, Orphan TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pirate AU, Pirates, Shapeshifting, Sleepy Boys Inc - Freeform, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), characters not people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29761617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shwrubbery/pseuds/Shwrubbery
Summary: Tommy glared up at the man who had woken him up. The man, with long pink hair, glasses and a scar on his nose, stared down at him unimpressed. Tubbo whimpered.“Phil,” Pinkie called, voice flat, “I found my cape.”---------Or the story where Tommy and Tubbo become stoleaways on a Pirate Ship to avoid getting adopted only to end up finding a family.
Relationships: The only ship is a pirate ship
Comments: 37
Kudos: 254





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, so this discord server finally convinced me to write something again so you can thank those fuckers(affectionate).

Tommy liked to refer to himself as an opportunist. He didn’t quite know what that word meant exactly, but it sounded smart and very much the opposite of a thief. Which he isn’t, just to clarify. The Great Tommy Innit would never refer to himself as a mere thief. 

Please ignore how he currently has his ratty, old, fourth-handed jacket stuffed to the brim with old knick knacks and pocket change pinched from unsuspecting tourists. Listen, if they didn’t want to have their shit taken, they shouldn’t display it so brazenly. 

His prized possession of the day was a little golden moth hair clip that was just calling to Tommy with her painted eyes, whispering, ‘ _Tommy, Tommy, come take me’._ He named her Clementine. 

However, Tommy mused as he strolled away from the hot tourist spots right near the ports and into the more run down area where the locals lived, you would think that they would warn people more about the Big Man at Large. The Big Man who terrorized the quaint little port town of Saffell. 

Of course, Tommy wouldn’t be an opportunist if he didn't have to of course, but that is neither here nor there. Tommy has to provide for himself, of course, and his very clingy acquaintance of his. Tubbo, the man, the myth, the legend and the insanely clingy best friend a boy could ever ask for. You see, Tubbo had this incredibly cool thing going on that, for some stupid reason, meant he couldn’t live with Tommy at the orphanage Mrs. Bitch Face ran. 

Mrs. Bitch Face wasn’t her real name, but at this point Tommy didn't care. It was enough of a descriptor that basically summed up her personality much better than Mrs. _Flowershine._ Mrs. Bitch Face was Mrs. Bitch Face because she was such a bitch that Tubbo couldn’t live with Tommy because he started to grow horns. 

Horns are the coolest shit ever, if you ask Tommy. 

According to the the bitchiest person ever, Tubbo was “a threat to society”, “A no good scoundrel”, and “Unadoptable”[1]. Which, frankly, was complete horse shit because although Tubbo does have a little nasty habit of setting things on fire, the kid cries if he sees a bee. Tubbo loves bees. 

It was up to the Big Man himself, Tommy Caution Danger Kraken Innit, to take care of Tubbo since he got kicked out after the third time his horns grew back. Since the arsonist in the making couldn’t go into the tourist spots without getting booted out, literally, or the local area without also getting a stone to the face, Tommy both stole items of value, sold them, and then took a portion of his own food from Mrs. Bitch Face and gave them to Tubbo. Tubbo would then stash all the money they got inside his little den because there's no way that Mrs. Bitch Face was getting a cent of Tommy’s hard earned shit. She’d take all of it claiming that he “owed her”, like the fuck he didn’t. He didn’t owe her shit for a basic human need. 

So instead of going back to the rundown used-to-be the mayor’s house [2] before the fucker decided to move into the tourist sector, Tommy went to Tubbo, where the boy lived in a little ratty shack on the outskirts of town that the two of them built from old ship timbers and planks. That they one hundred percent did not steal, thank you very much. It's called ‘borrowing without intent to return”, two very different concepts, one only acceptable if you’re rich. They were rich, rich in experience. 

The shack was nice and warm and only ever really needed repairs when those assholes who think that they're better than Tubbo come and kick the place down. Mysteriously, those same assholes lose the necklaces their mothers give them. Mysteriously. [3]

1\. ...this isn’t describing Tommy? Huh...weird...

2\. It was an act of charity, the mayor proclaimed, not mentioning that the place had been gutted of literally everything except the load bearing walls and the kitchen tiles. They took the kitchen sink too. 

3\. Tommy st— borrowed without intent to return them. Rich people don’t steal. 

Shrugging off his jacket and feeling pounds lighter, Tommy sank into the dirt floor next to the best friend a boy could ask for. 

“...today was like, the easiest fucking day Tubbo,” Tommy recounted, “Remember the muffin man?” 

Tubbo smirked, “The balding one with the bad taste in decorations? He lives on Drury lane?” 

“Yeah, him. Well, he’s completely bald now, but get this,” Tommy leaned forward in execitement, “the dumb fucker just, just _left_ his muffins out.” 

“No,” Tubbo gasped, a smile threatening to split his face in glee. 

“Yeah!” Pulling two wrapped baked good in wrappings with a design that resembled two foxes doing the hula, Tommy presented his catch, “So I fucking snatched them! I think they’re blueberry or something.” 

Tubbo snatched one and unwrapped it like a starving man, before taking a huge bite. He hummed around the muffin and decided to become a puddle. A puddle of goat hybrid happiness. “Shish ish sooo gouuud.” 

“Of course they are Big T!” Tommy, not wanting to be out done, took an even bigger bite than his companion, swallowed, and continued, “See, all the tourists are idiots, and one distracted baldy when I grabbed them so they're extra good!” 

Tubbo finished scarfing down his muffin before turning his attention to the pile of knick knacks within the duster that Tommy had brought, “What did ya get Tommy?” 

Tommy shrugged, “I dunno, I just grabbed whatever I could. Tourists are dumb,” Tommy took his jacket, turned it upside down and shook the coat like it owed him everything it owned. Which it did, all things considered. 

Raining down from the pockets like an avalanche of sharp objects, the most recent haul of Tommy’s excursion appeared. Two brooches both expensive and tacky in design, multiple coins of various worth, earrings with no partners to pair with, Clementine [4], a couple bracelets and a broken compass. Tubbo began routing through the pile before lifting an earring, admiring it, before turning around in his shack and routing through his own pile of hoarded jewelry not yet sold and pulling out a matching pair. 

“Tommy! It matches!” Tubbo cheered, displaying the partnered ear bangles, “This gotta be worth a couple pounds, yeah?” It was a close enough match. The differences in the metals could be explained by the tarnish wearing off or something. 

“Hell yeah!” Tommy exclaimed, pumping a fist. 

Tubbo pocketed the earrings before pulling the compass out, “And what is this? A compass?” Tubbo looked at the case it was in, dented, banged up, and looked as if someone had run over it multiple times with a horse drawn carriage. 

Tommy snatched the compass from Big T, exaimned it with as much attention as a hyperactive teenage boy could, “I, uh, I actually don't remember taking this.” 

“Tommy…” 

“What?” Tommy opened the case to see the compass needles pointing in a direction that was not north, as indicated by the spinning circle. “It could still be worth something?” The boys stared at the compass. 

“It's broken,” Tubbo pointed out, unhelpfully. 

“Yeah, so?” Tommy banged the compass against the ground, hoping that some percussive maintenance would fix the thing. “So are you but I still stick around.” Tommy checked the compass again, seeing the case now broken even more and the needles still not pointing in the right direction. 

Tubbo pouted, “That's mean Big Man.” 

“That's me! The big Mean Man, because I’m a big man and we’re mean.” Tommy smiled, “No kindness here, because I'm a big man! The biggest!” 

“The biggest!” Tubbo smiled right back before taking the compass from Tommy. Seeing as how Tubbo, the clingiest friend, just has the audacity to steal from Tommy right in front of him, from his own hands nonetheless, Tommy had to retaliate. Body tackling the child in front of him, Tubbo and Tommy began to grapple. Arms were flying, an elongated animal ear was bitten at one point and sand was forcefully ingested by accident. 

The boys soon landed in an exhausted heep inside the small lean-to. Panting, Tommy’s eyes moved to the horizon, where the sun was beginning to set. He groaned. 

“You, you gotta get back to the orphanage?” Tubbo rhetorically asked, disappointment coating his voice like grape cough syrup. [5]

Tommy scowled, face moving to resemble eating a lemon. “Yeah, back to Mrs. Bitch Face, and the other dumb fucks there. I don’t wanna go back. It's just going to be, ‘ _Oh Tomathy, why are you out so late? Look at you, poor dear, you got your clothes all dirty. Let's go get you cleaned up,_ ’ No thanks.” 

Tubbo leaned forward and hugged his knees, looking at his friend still on the ground beside him, “She's not that bad…” 

“Not that bad?” Tommy exclaimed, jolting up, “She kicked you out because you got horns and, like, goat ears Tubbo! That's pretty fucked up!” 

“I guess…” 

“Anyone who doesn't like you, Big T, is on my list!” Tommy proclaimed, “My hit list! It's a list of people I don’t like and Mrs Bitch Face tops it! ‘Cause me and you, Tubbo, we’re like, we’re like siblings y’know. A packaged deal. Two peas in a pod,” Tommy stared straight into Tubbo’s eyes with conviction, “I ain’t ever leaving ya Tubs. Promise.” 

Tubbo smiled, sweet and small as tears gathered in the corner of his eyes, “Okay.” 

“No, no no! You gotta promise too Tubbo! Or else it doesn’t work!”

“Okay! I promise to never leave you too!” Tubbo grinned. 

“Eyyyy! Pogchamp!” 

“...are you making up words again?” 

“Wha- No I’m not shut up!” 

4\. She was put back into her pocket of honour with questionable quick reflexes. 

5.Y’know, like the awful kind that just tastes like garbage and lingers in your mouth no matter how much water you drink? That kind. 

“Oh, Tomathy dear, what have you done with yourself?” Mrs Bitch Face asked as she dusted the dirt off of the ratty jacket that Tommy fought tooth and nail for, “I was worried sick!” Tommy gave her that bratty side eye, pursed lip look that only ‘troublesome, no good kids’ ever made when told what to do. Then promptly ignored what she just said and allowed the shorter woman to brush off the nonexistent dirt. “Oh well, you were back before sunset so I guess it's alright,” She sighed, before putting her hands on her hips in a power pose and smiled warmly. 

“I have got some good news for you Tommy!” Mrs Bitch Face proclaimed, “It's a special occasion so I made sure I got you some new clothes! Please wear them tomorrow!”

“What's happening tomorrow?” Tommy asked disinterestedly as he brushed past her into the threshold of the front door that was painted a bright cheery blue. It was faded and was rusting at the corners from exposure to the sun and ocean air. 

“You’re getting adopted!” Mrs Bitch Face happily said, following in behind and pushing Tommy into the house, “They’re from across the channel, on the mainland I believe. A very well off family from the looks of it, Tomathy. The man, Mr. Xavier Dickens, remarked that he needed a strong youngman to help his company. Of course I recommended you, so do please remember your manners.” 

In shock, Tommy didn’t even notice that the front living/school/daycare/kitchen[6] area was, in fact, not covered in broken scattered toys, books with torn out pages and stools missing legs. Now, although the walls were still covered in random paint splatters by unruly children, but everything was tucked away into battered cupboards, the stools were neatly places that their respective tables, and there seemed to have been a actual swept of the floor with a broom in the recent hours. 

“You weren’t here when he first came around Tomathy,” Mrs Bitch Face sadly continued on as she cleaned the piles of dishes that were stacked on the kitchen sink, “So I did the best I could, all things considered.” She pointed a fork, recently dunked and cleaned in soapy water, in his direction, “It's not easy getting a sixteen year old adopted you know. Be thankful that Mr.Dickens is even willing, so you best make a good impression tomorrow, will ya?”

Considering that Tommy’s world was crashing down, Mrs. Bitch Face only sighed happily, as she ignored his existential crisis, “Go upstairs Tommy, Mr. Dickens will be here tomorrow night. You can go visit...Twobo?” 

“Tubbo,” Tommy absentmindedly corrected. 

“Tubbo, right. You can go visit Tubbo tomorrow and say your goodbyes. For now, go pack your things.” 

Tommy made his way to the stairs, stopping on the first step. He looked over his shoulder, opened his mouth to speak before deciding not to and walking up the stairs. He ignored the other small kids peeking out their shared dorm rooms before making his way to his room. 

Since The Big Man Innit is the Biggest Man in the orphanage, he gets his own special room on the third floor, with his own bed and his own things. Now, this only meant that it was that much harder to sneak out since he was a couple stories above the ground. 

Harder. Not Impossible [7]. Nothing is Impossible [8] with Tommy Caution Danger Kraken Innit. 

As such, when entering the little space that Tommy called ‘his’, he cast a critical eye over the four walls. A dresser in the corner of the north and west most walls, his lumpy uncomfortable bed on the opposite corner with a chest at the foot of it. A night stand to block the bed into its time out corner and the nightstand’s buddy supporting them from the far side is a desk with a lame leg that was corrected with a wad of folded paper slid underneath the accidentally amputated stick. A window faced directly across from the door and also divided the room into the dresser’s kingdom and the bed’s prison corner with its jailors. 

On his neatly made bed [9], sat a pile of folded clothes in what is presumably his size. The clothes also seem new or of a higher quality than he was used to with a duffle bag that had, like most things in the orphanage, seen better days. 

Tommy slowly went into his room and closed his door gently. Then, like a bullet released from a gun, Tommy ransacked his room, shoving whatever he could into the duffle bag so generously given to him. Of course, since Tommy is an orphan [10], he didn't have much. 

He used to have quite a bit, to be honest. Most of it was taken by the other kids and never given back so the duffle bag was not overflowing when he finished packing. Oh, well, more room for the knick knacks he skillfully acquired. 

Of course, the great prison break couldn’t happen right this instant. The sun was only just going down, all that the Big Man Innit had to do was wait until the perfect moment. 

6.The entire first floor was one large room used for everything but bedrooms. It was seriously annoying sometimes. 

7.The capital letter is important

8.Extremely important.

9.You think Tommy made his bed? Nah bruh, it was Mrs. Bitch Face. 

10.Gotta make sure that you know he is an orphan. 

Now was the perfect moment. The sun had set, Mrs. Bitch Face had checked in on Tommy to see him sleeping peacefully in his bed an hour ago. See, this is where Tommy was a genius in the making. He only _pretended_ to sleep, and got out of bed. 

So pushing open the window, Tommy climbed down the side of the wall like a spider. [11] The duffle bag thrown over his shoulders, and if it wasn’t only filled with the clothes Mrs. Bitch Face had given him it would have been choking him. 

Being the Biggest Big Man there was, dropping the last story was the easiest feat that he could do. His ankle says otherwise, but that ankle was a complaining little bitch. 

Cursing, hopping on one foot, Tommy slowly made his way up to Tubbo’s shack, blending in with the walls and alleyways. Knowing these streets like the back of his hand, it took no time at all to make his way past all the drunkards and taverns, to the outskirts and into the forest. 

“Tubbo.” Tommy poked his head into the shack door, only to get a compass in the face. “Ow! Fuck!” 

“Sorry!” Tubbo apologised, “You scared me!” Tubbo was currently holding a battered coffee mug and was reaching towards the pile for another thing to throw. 

“No shit.” 

“What are you doing here?” Tubbo crawled to the entrance. His hand was promptly grabbed and he was flung out of the entrance. “Tommy?!”

“No time, Big Crime!” Tommy took Tubbo’s place and began stuffing all the knick knacks and money he could into the bag. 

Tubbo looked in, his face pinched in concern, “Tommy, what's going on?” Tubbo moved back as something was thrown out of the shack before returning, “What's happening?” Tubbo went and grabbed whatever was thrown out, before seeing it was a wooden bowl. 

Tommy stopped, paused and turned to look at his best friend. Tommy’s face was hard set and determined, “I’m getting adopted.” 

Tubbo’s eyebrows furrowed, “Isn’t, isn’t that a good thing?” Tubbo grabbed the compass and passed it to Tommy.

“No!” Tubbo’s arms were suddenly grabbed and pressed to his side as Tommy’s face got into his, “I’m leaving you Tubbo! I’m not going to become a dick!” Tommy grabbed the compass and shoved it in. 

“Uh, what?” 

“Listen, you see Tubbo, here’s what we’re going to do,” Tommy explained, zipping up the duffel bag and throwing it over his shoulder. He almost went down as the weight of it surprised him but he managed to keep standing, “we’re going together or not at all.” Tommy shouldered past Tubbo, but grabbing the other boy’s wrist. He pulled Tubbo along after him. 

“Tommy, what are you saying? You’re not making any sense!” Tubbo stumbled after him. 

“Dick, the jackass that wants to adopt me, lives on the mainland Tubbo,” Tommy explained, rushed for almost no reason as they broke the forest cover and into the main street of the town, “And I think I said I wasn’t ever leaving you, stupid.” 

“Then,” Tubbo looked back at the way they came, “Then what are you going to do?” They ducked into an alley way to avoid the drunk muffin man stumbling around and cursing in the middle of the street. 

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows, in angry disbelief, “We, Tubbo, we,” he stressed, “what _we’re_ going to do is leave. Together. If one of us is going then we’re going to go together.” Now no longer pulling Tubbo along, Tommy flattened himself to the side of a building. He peered around the corner, looking at the dock and the ships tied to it. 

Tubbo’s voice shook, “Leave? Where?” Tubbo had enough self respect to not flatten himself to the side of the building also. 

“I don’t know.” Tommy admitted, bounding forward and pushing up the side of a crate. Tubbo followed in his own fashion, not attempting to be as sneaky as Tommy continued to make his way down the dock towards the largest ships. “Quick, Big Crime, stupidest looking ship-- is that a rainbow flag?” 

Both boys paused, staring up at the three sail frigate. A strong, sturdy looking ship, its ornamentation was minimal, but what did exist was tasteful etching in metalwork and nice woodcarvings. Its hull was wooden, unpainted except for three lines of white, dark green and a brighter green along the top edge. Port holes were covered by small wooden doors that almost blended into the side of the ship. The captain quarters at the back, was peeling paint and continued the green paint job. 

At the top of the highest wooden pillar, where a ship’s identification flag was flown, was a rainbow flag, six straight horizontal lines, flying proudly in the night’s wind. [12] 

The boys looked at each other. Then at the ship behind them, on the other side of the dock. 

Compared to the rainbow ship, this one, this one was, _ostentatious._ White, trimmed with golds, purples, reds and almost every color of the rainbow imaginable. It had so many decadent carvings and metal engravings it was like looking at the gates of heaven if heaven was a place where you went to claw out your eyes to stop staring at so many luxury items. Even with the night’s light, the ship itself was sailing target practice, with the name ‘ _La Beauté de la Mer_ ‘. It was glorifying hideous. 

Tubbo side eyed Tommy, “Can we not do the stupidest looking ship?” He pleaded, horrified.

Tommy nodded, mute for once due to the floating eyesore, and they both turned to the rainbow ship and gave the side of the boat a critical glance, looking for the loading plank. Spying their quarry, they made their way over to the plank. 

Sneaking onto the ship, they looked over the railing to spy only one person on the deck, leaning against the nearest post, arms crossed over their dark stripe shirt. He was snoring, white glasses almost falling off his nose. 

Tommy clambered over onto the ship, Tubbo following more gracefully. Tip toeing, they made their way to the open trap door that led into the ship’s belly. Thankfully, it seemed most of the crew was out in town, gambling away and spending all of their meager earnings in the tourist sector of the port. Still, a couple people were sleeping in their hammocks, one most notably sleeping with an open book on his face and arms crossed over his chest as if he was dead. Another was half way out of his, arms dangling down, mouth open and a couple inches from hitting the ground head first. 

Finally, they had reached the place where they would hold out until the ship next docked and they could leave; the storage. 

As if a god of luck was shining down on them, the crates had been arranged so that there was a small area just right for fitting two normal sized teenagers. Tommy, as he so claimed, was six foot three and not a normal sized teenager, but Tubbo was small, much smaller than he had any right to be. 

They squeezed into the cubby, using the duffle bag as a hard, sometimes pointy, pillow. 

“..Tommy?” Tubbo whispered, hands curled underneath his chin as he stared at Tommy's chest. 

“Yeah?” Tommy whispered back, hand covering his nose so that Tubbo’s hair didn’t tickle his nose. 

“We’re going to be okay right?” Tubbo closed his eyes, curling into a ball. “We’re not going to die by these people right?” 

Tommy thinned his lips in a line, “Yeah,” he promised, “we’re going to be okay.” 

11\. Spiderinnit

12\. Yeah, yeah that just happened. You read that right. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am speechless and blown away by all the attention this thing has received, wow. Just... wow. Thank you all so much!
> 
> Now i don't know quite how to do TW, but there is an excessive amounts of swearing and some minor underage drinking happening in this chapter, but its like, very minor ish...? 
> 
> (is this whats its like to be part of a active community..? wow i still can't believe it)

The next morning, Tubbo woke to a wet head of hair and the sounds of a bustling crew. Remembering where they were, and how loud Tommy was when he snored, Tubbo lightly punched the human in the stomach. Tommy snorted and bit down on whatever was in his mouth; which caused Tubbo to yelp as it was, of course, his own dang ear.

“Sorry Big T.” Tommy spoke groggily in a normal volume voice before Tubbo slapped a hand on his mouth, with Tubbo’s other hand coming up to his own mouth and shushing his friend. Tommy nodded, copied the shushing motion and Tubbo removed his hand from his friend's mouth. 

Not before Tommy licked it, like a mature, adult person would, if given the chance. Tubbo opened his mouth to complain about this horrible transgression, but he was interrupted by his surroundings making themselves known once again. 

“It's your own dang fault!” A woman’s voice yelled up on the deck of the ship, muffled by the layers of wood and the sounds of waves battering against the hull, “So live with it!” 

“But mom-” A male’s voice whined pathetically, barely loud enough to be heard. 

The woman interrupted, “Right now it's Captain! Get your butt in gear! A hangover isn’t an excuse not to do your job,” A muffled confirmation was the answer as the man’s footsteps blended in with the millions of others as the ship prepared itself to launch. The woman’s voice became louder as her footsteps were punctuated by the click of hurried heels. “George, see if Schlatt actually got all the supplies!” She called. 

“Fuck you, I got all the shit you wanted me to, I ain’t a dumbass!” Another male called, accent closer to that of the captain’s, but must have been from the other side of the ship. A different man laughed and ribbed his compainan before getting what must’ve been a punch in the stomach. [1]

“Eye Eye Captain,” A voice, much louder than the others, accepted as those footsteps travelled down into the hull and closer to the crates and barrels. 

Tommy and Tubbo squished themselves as much as they could into the corner they had called their own, cursing the fact that they didn’t close their entrance off to make it harder for anyone to see them. Tommy looked quite comical if it wasn’t for the situation, knees almost touching his forehead, the tall lanky big man that he is. 

Finally, the footsteps stopped right before the crates, and thankfully they couldn’t see the person, which meant that hopefully, the person couldn’t see them as well. A crate creaked as it was opened, then closed and punched back into place. 

“Two, four, six,” The man, George, counted, moving slowly as kept a mental tally of the inventory within the hold, “Twenty, two. Twenty two boxes of food. Two, four, five boxes of…” A pause as George pried the lid off a box a little farther away. “...Five boxes of booze,” the clinking of bottles as he pulled one out, “...And they’re chardenee? What?” More clinking as he set it down again and pressed the lid back on. 

Tubbo could feel his throat itching with the need to cough and fought back the urge, hands lightly closing around his own throat as he swallowed, trying to dislodge the needles. Tommy hugged his knees closer to his chest. 

A voice from the deck yelled, “Fundy, what the fuck?!” Another voice called back, apologizing. [2]

“Twenty, two, four,” he continued to count, unaware of the struggles of two stoleaways just around the corner from him, “Twenty seven barrels of water, hopefully.” The man deadpanned, “Knowing Schlatt it could be booze.” 

“And,” George continued, setting something down with a clang, “Niki’s new cast iron frying pan. Still can’t believe she broke the other one,” he mused, his footsteps moving to the center of the room, “mans got a hard head. So, twenty two boxes of food, five boxes of booze and twenty seven barrels of water. I think that's everything.” 

Footsteps retreated up onto the deck, with George welling that everything was accounted for. He mingled into the rest of the crew and only then did Tubbo start coughing and Tommy sneezed. 

Tommy wiped his nose after that as Tubbo hacked one last hearty cough and both fell silent. 

Tubbo gave a breathy little laugh and whispered, “Oh man that was close.” 

“It sure was Tubbo,” Tommy smiled too, whispering as well. It was quiet, peaceful even, for a few moments and the boys took the time to calm their beating hearts. [3]

1, You don’t know how much the author really wants to name these characters right now so they can stop being vague.

2, No. Idea.

3, It was not to last

“Heave!’ The captain's voice bellowed, with a chorus of voices answering her, “Ho!” And the ship _rocked_ as it was pushed away from the dock. Tubbo fell onto Tommy’s lap and Tommy’s head banged harshly onto a crate beside him. The ship rocked again as the crew began to chant. Tubbo somehow managed to smash his face on the crate on the other side of Tommy’s legs as Tommy’s legs were rolled out from underneath him and the boys ended up where the other one was moments before. 

The duffle bag was sliding away from their cubby, Tubbo stretched his arms and grabbed the bag and pulled it back into their space before getting slammed into the face with it as the boat shuddered again. 

This continued for a few moments before a loud cheer rang from the deck and the boat stopped rocking as much as the ship finally breached the port’s waters and into the open sea.

Tubbo nursed his nose, periodically checking to see if it was bleeding while Tommy groaned and held his head in pain. 

“Let's not do that again,” Tommy groaned, leaning against a moveable wooden wall, “I felt like, I felt like I was getting a fucking beating.” 

“No,” Tubbo disagreed, giving his hand a courtesy look as he looked for blood, “beatings are worst,” He spied none and was confident to say that his nose was not bleeding. 

“How would you know- oh, right,” Tommy’s voice went small, “sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault Big Man,” Tubbo soothed, patting the closest part of Tommy he could reach, which turned out to be his ankle, “It was those idiots really. And you’ve stolen enough from them anyways.” 

Tommy breathed a sigh, pinched his nose and explained, “Tubbo, I, _we_ do not steal. Steal- well I don’t know the word. It doesn’t exist. We did not steal anything. We only borrowed without returning it.” 

“So we stole them.” 

“Tubbo, did you not listen- did you not just listen to me?” 

“Oh no, I heard you loud and clear,” Tubbo smiles cheekily, “Just that’s the definition of stealing.” 

“No Tubbo, we borrowed. And didn’t return them.” [4] 

“Stealing.” Tubbo sing songed before getting tackled by Tommy, causing themselves to be rammed into the side of the ship. The very definition of stealthy and laying low, of course. The boys were laughing as Tommy grabbed Tubbo’s head in a headlock and started to rub the top of his head aggressively. 

“Did you hear that?” An accented voice asked, and the stoleaways went still. The voice was then placed as a crew member they’ve heard before, Schlatt. 

“Don’t you mean _sea_ that?” Another asked as two sets of footsteps walked down into the storage room. Tommy and Tubbo slowly went back into their corner, but this time testing their amazing luck and peaking out from behind a crate to watch the two men. 

One had these god awful sideburns and goatee that he somehow made work with greasy slicked back hair and dressed in pretty clean slacks and well repaired clothing for the average ship’s deckhand. The other was more in line with the average sailor with dirty blond hair and glasses, but his dirty white shirt had three red stylized hearts in a line and he had a green handkerchief hanging from his belt loops.

A long pause, as Sideburns looked at his companion with the most confused, yet deadpan stare, “Yes, Slime, I see with my ears.” 

“Sorry,” the other, Slime, raised his hands in surrender, “No need to get _ram_ ’d up about it.” Schlatt glared even harder, hands moving to be put into the pockets of his slacks, and leaning back in a vaguely threatening manner. “Yeah, sorry, I’ll stop, for real.” 

Schlatt rolled his eyes and scanned the room, eyes passing right past the two boys, who ducked out of view before he could catch a glimpse of them, before returning to gaze back at the two crew members. “Must’ve been a mouse. Say, twenty bucks says that we can get Antfrost to hunt it down.” Both of the men laughed. 

“Oh, Antfrost would kill you first before the mouse,” Slime put his hands down, and used one to rub the back of his neck, “Say, man, why did we stop at Saffell anyways? There's, like, nothing there.” 

Schlatt sighed, looking at Slime, “Puffy owed me one, and there wasn’t anything there anyways.” 

“Is that why you snapped at her when she asked Geroge to recount?” Slime asked, leaning against the bulkhead, “‘Cause that just ain’t like you man.” 

Schlatt seemed to be considering something, “Yeah,” he finally admitted, “Yeah I was looking for someone and I didn’t find them.” Sideburns seemed to immediately regret adding the last sentence, as if it came out of his mouth without a filter. 

“Oh. Who were you looking for?” 

“...My sister, well, Puffy’s sister too I guess.” Schlatt sighed, before his voice gained a heat, “She fucking fell in love with a goddamn white boy, skinny bitch. Looked like a fucking lepricaun, the motherfucker was about the size of my kneecaps, short asshole,” and with that, the tirade began, “Bitch didn’t have a fucking penny to his goddamn name, and yet my sister fucking fell for that skinny ass white bitch boy and went and fucking ran away with him with half of our fucking money and fucking ghosted us.

“Don’t know what she saw in that piece of shit,” Schlatt began to pace around the storage room, throwing his hands animatedly as he ranted, “She had fucking suitors coming left and right, one was a fucking duke of some fucking trading company, she could’ve been loaded and not have to life a single finger, and yet, yet she goes with a fucking short ass house elf bitch two years younger than herself!” He stopped, and threw his hands towards Slime, who was looking incredibly lost and concerned, “Its like fucking Romeo and Juliet execpt Romeo was a fucking piss poor piss baby!” 

Slime interrupted, shakily, “Uh, how- how old were they?” 

“I dunno, like, fucking thirteen or something,”[5] Schlatt answered, losing his energy and sitting on a crate, head in one of his hands, “God I fucking hate white people.” 

“Schlatt, um, you’re white.” 

“You know what I meant.” 

Slime nodded, looking around the room, before slowly making his way to his grieving friend, “So, so I’m guessing they moved on?” 

Schlatt snorted, “That's one way to put it.” He looked at Slime in the eyes, “I went to the fucking graveyard when I couldn’t find her and saw her name on a fucking rock.” 

“That, uh, really, that really sucks,” Slime flattened his lips and looked away for a quick second, thinking, “You, ah, you wanna steal Niki’s good cooking wine and get drunk?” He held a hand out for Schlatt to take. 

“Fuck yeah.” Schlatt agreed, taking the hand and letting himself be pulled up, “I’m getting hives from all this feelings shit.” He shuddered, disgusted with himself. He turned to the crate he was sitting on and pulled off the lid, grabbing two bottles by the neck and heaving them out, passing them to Slime behind him before grabbing two more and closing the lid. He moved one to another hand and pulled the cork out, taking a swig in one smooth motion. 

“Come on,” Schlatt bumped slime with his shoulder, “Let's go do this in front of her.” 

“Hell yeah!” Slime cheered, following Schlatt up into the personal quarter’s portion of the hull. “Look at us, making _pour_ decisions.” 

“Slime, I will actually kill you.” 

“What? Am I _on the rocks_ yet?” A pause, “Yeah no, that one was bad.” 

Tommy and Tubbo breathed twins sighs of relief as they left the storage hold, and the boys decided to test their luck once again by leaving their cubby and stretching their legs. Tommy stretched his arms over his head, felt and heard his back crack, before slumping with a sigh of bliss. 

“Oh god,” Tubbo breathed, voice quiet and mellow, realising something akin to horror, “We are so fucking lucky.” 

Tommy agreed, whispering back, “We’re the best, no one’s gonna find us at all the rate we’re going.” 

“...why do you do this?” Tubbo glared at him. 

“What?”

“Jinx us. Idiot.” 

“Hey! Who are you-”

Tubbo shushed him, pointing up with his other hand. Both looked up and strained their ears for any sounds of footsteps or voices making their way toward the boys. They hear nothing. Tubbo went back to glare at his best friend, Big Man Innit, who only sheepishly shrugged. 

Big T, the annoying one, gained a brilliant idea, and his face reflected it. Brushing past Big T, the sane one, the annoying one popped open the box of wine that Sideburns had just recently taken bottles from. 

“What are you doing?” Tubbo hissed, following. 

“Borrowing,” Tommy grinned back, holding a bottle by its spout and displaying it to Tubbo, “Sideburns is going to get blamed for it anyways.” Tommy looked at the label, scrutinizing it, “I also want to know what it tastes like.” 

Tubbo stared at Tommy for what seemed like years, before taking the bottle, popping the cork with a great speed and skill much above someone of his station and experience, before taking a swig. Tommy watched in awe as Tubbo swirled the alcohol around in his mouth, giving the taller boy a look that speaks volumes on how he didn’t get what the fuss was about before swallowing. [6]

Tubbo’s face soured and he started to grab at his throat and gagged, sticking his tongue out and mimed throwing up, “Oh, oh thats,” He made the motion of hurling, “That hurts so much-” Tubbo whimpered. 

Not wanting to be outdone, Tommy followed suit, not bothering about becoming a wine connoisseur and simply started chugging. He made it one gulp before spewing what was left all over the ground and attempted to keep the rest of the wine from spilling. Tommy made the same motions that Big Crime did before wiping his mouth. He held the bottle as far away from him as he could, which was quite a lot, being the tall lanky kid he was. 

“How do adults drink this shit?” Tommy asked. 

“It's so gross.” Tubbo agreed and tried wiping his mouth with his sleeve, before spitting out the dirt that he forgot was caked on and into his shirt. 

Tommy asked for the cork from Tubbo with an outstretched hand, it was placed in his hand and Tommy sealed the wine again. He placed it back into the crate and put the lid back on. 

“We’re not touching that again.” 

“Yep.” 

4, Stealing; to take without permission or legal right and without intending to return it. Stealing. 

5, They were 16 and 17 at the time

6, Wonder where he got that skill from? Genetics? Also it wasn’t wine, but Vodka in that bottle. 

Tubbo, spying his newest thrill, climbed on top of a crate to gain access to another one. He opened it, gasped in delight, and took a bit of a nice crispy apple. 

“Pass me down one,” Tommy demanded, in which Tubbo did so with delight. 

“So I was thinking,” Tommy began, between bites of various apples and other food items that were in the storage, and laid out the plan that should have been in action before they went onto the ship and not when they were seconds away from being caught on the ship they were stowaways on. Very important information such as the five W questions; the who what when where and why were asked and answered without difficulty, although the when and where were the hardest to answer. 

Growing up on Saffell, within an orphanage, the education wasn’t the greatest. [0]Although a popular spot for tourists, it was originally a fishing port and if you weren’t in the tourist industry, then you worked on a boat. This meant that the boys did have a vague understanding of the surrounding landmasses, such as the mainland. But actual ideas on where they, the landmasses, were relative to themselves, Saffell? No dice. 

As such those questions were left blank and they moved on. [7]

7, Just like how the author is using this note as a transition. 

  
  


\------------------------

Recall how the Big Man himself once famously said that their luck could not run out?

They had, in fact, been jinxed by one certain Tommy Caution Danger Kraken Innit, as Tommy awoke with a start. Hands clamped down around his ankles with a grip to rival a posh lady holding onto her purse in a shady back alley and forcefully pulled Tommy from the comfort of the cubby, homemade pillow, Tubbo’s fingers that were stuck up his nose, and a red blanket that had been draped over them at some point. [8] Tommy flailed in panic, accidently socking Tubbo in the groin, waking up the poor boy. He twisted to face the person who had his ankles in a grip. 

Tommy glared up at the man who had woken him up. The man, with long pink hair, glasses and a scar on his nose, stared down at him unimpressed. Tubbo whimpered. 

“Phil,” Pinkie called, voice flat, “I found my cape.” 

“Oh you did?” Another male’s voice called, voice tilted in humor, “Where mate?” 

“Some kids were using it as a blanket.” Pinkie deadpanned, eyes dead as he stared, eyeing up the kids like they were a rare cut of meat. “I think they might have rabies.” Scratch that, like they were the scum underneath his shoe and no matter how many times he rubbed his boot in the ground the shit wouldn’t come off.

“Rabies?” Tommy shrieked, “I don’t have fucking rabies, you have rabies!” 

Pinkie winced and rubbed his ear as he stood up to his full height, “And they’re annoying.” He sighed, turning to glare over his shoulder at a person Tommy couldn’t see. 

“Annoying! You’re annoying, who the fuck has pink hair?” Tommy yelled back, getting up to his feet, and feeling pretty good of himself as he could look Pinkie in the eyes without needing to look up or down. “Did your father get his dick stuck in a cotton candy machine or something?” Tubbo, despite the pain he was in, giggled. 

The man behind the crates broke out into laughter and a tea kettle wheezed in the distance. 

“Phil…” Pinkie whined, turning to face Tommy, “Phil, it's not that funny.” Still ‘Phil’ continued to laugh behind the wall of crates, “Phil, the children are bullying me.”

“I’m not a fucking child!” 

“Good.” And with that Pinkie snatched the collar of Tommy’s shirt and yanked him towards himself. Turning Tommy around, Pinkie’s arm went around Tommy’s neck as the other arm forced Tommy’s hand between his shoulder blades, “Then I ain’t sorry about this.” 

“Tommy!” Tubbo scrambled to his feet. 

“What the fuck man?” Tommy screeched, angry. He attempted to kick the knees of his captor, but, due to his height, couldn't quite get the right angle. Curse his amazing Big Man genetics to give him such amazing Big Man height.

Pinkie started to walk backwards, taking Tommy with him. Pinkie looked over the boy’s shoulder, “Do you wanna cause trouble, or are you going to come along quietly?” he addressed Tubbo. 

Tubbo surveyed the situation. He weighed his options, he played them out within his mind. He connected dots. Equations were streaming across his vision like some genius math wizard. The universe was laid bare before him. He looked Tommy in the eye, who was attempting to convey a message[9], a message to align the galaxy right again. Tubbo decided to make the smartest choice given to him in these dire circumstances and raised his hands in surrender. Pinkie nodded and frogmarched Tommy up onto the deck. 

A blond man in green robes and a honestly ugly bucket hat, was clutching his sides as he came down from laughter. He was grinning as he mimed wiping a tear from his eye and moved to box Tubbo in behind, following the group up to the deck. Tubbo looked up at the man nervously, who only gave the boy a friendly gentle smile. A sharp contrast to all the fuss that Tommy was making, giving the impression that it was Tommy who was the one living in the forest for the past couple years. 

  1. Hmmm, that wasn’t there before. I wonder who could’ve put that there. 
  2. Surrender was, indeed, not the message attempting to be sent. It was more of ‘Tubbo, Tubbo, kick him in the kneecaps, we could take him!’



“Captain!” The man with the ugly green striped bucket hat called as the group breached the deck, “Guess what we found?” He asked rhetorically, his voice light hearted. 

Turns out that during the time they were attempting to kill by sleeping, the sun was setting on the horizon casting large shadows onto the deck of the ship, generating malicious creatures of darkness. People moved around the deck, doing their jobs before turning in for the night, but at Phil’s call, all attention turned to them. Tommy and Tubbo automatically went to look for the captain, experience and stories saying that looking for a long unkempt beard was their best bet. 

The previous conversation heard from within the barrel of the ship that morning was forgotten. 

Two people stood next to the wheel. A woman held onto the wheel, wavy hair long underneath her hat and her coat dyed a vibrant red. The other was a man who had a fetish for the worst shade of green possible and a disturbing white mask with a smiling face pulled to the side of his head like a wanna-be main character from a shitty young adult novel. Neither had an unkept beard, but the woman’s hair could have the potential to be classified as wild with how fluffy it was. 

It was the woman who spoke, “Lemme guess, a road to El Dorado?” The man jerked forward in a short laugh. 

“Not quite mate,” Phil smiled, hands moving to cross behind him like a butler, “Stole aways captain.” Using the fact that Bucket Hat had called the woman ‘mate’, then that meant that the man was the captain. 

“Hey Phil?” Green guy called down, leaning against the railing, “How's the cotton candy machine?”

“Still a better lay than your mum.”

“Ooooh,” A dark haired man with a white bandana around his head whistled from where he was rigging the ropes on the portside of the ship, looking up at the green guy, “You just gonna take that Dream?” Dream scowled good naturally and gave the other guy the middle finger. 

Phil chuckled. 

The woman smacked the captain in the back of the head, “Dream, take the wheel.” 

“Aye, aye captain.” The green man, Dream, took the wheel as the actual captain’s heels clicked as she sauntered down toward the group. The young boys had learned a valuable lesson today in not making assumptions on roles when it came to gender today. And that the captain was extremely laid back if she could stand being called mate by one of her crew members. 

Pinkie let go of Tommy and slightly pushed him forward. Phil gently pressed Tubbo forward as well, so that the boys stood in front of the men as the captain came down to address them. 

Tommy scowled and crossed his arms while Tubbo nervously played with his hands. It was almost comical that even with four inch heels, the captain was still only the height of Tubbo. She stared at them, looking them up and down with a critical eye. 

“You know, most people would choose the other ship boys,” She commented, leaning on her hip, arms crossing over her chest. 

“It was ugly,” Tubbo explained, “Captain.” 

Tommy added, “Like a small child threw up on his coloring book.” 

Captain smiled and nodded, “You’re right, you’re right. It was a very ugly ship, boys. I’m Captain Puffy, the captain of this ship and this is my crew.” She gestured with her head to the surroundings, “Welcome aboard the Dream SMP.

“Now tell me why I shouldn't throw you off this ship right this goddamn second.” 


End file.
